How Much is That Mommy in the Window?

Mom was a young mother. She turned 30 two months after Craig & Kyle were born. Growing up, she still knew how to play. And that was great for us.

One such playful afternoon, she and Scott had somehow started a game of "Got You Last" tag inside the house (Pecan Lane in Edenwood at that time). They kept running back and forth to get away from each other, and before long it was all of us kids against Mom.

Well, she tagged whoever it was last and darted down the hallway to her bedroom, then into the master bath where she promptly slammed and locked the door. Five laughing, screaming kiddos came speeding down the hall after her. Upon realizing the door was locked and she wasn't about to open it, Scott ran back to the kitchen for a butter knife to pry open the lock. All five of us were yelling and banging on the door while he honed his catburglar skills.

Meanwhile, Mom was inside strategizing a brilliant surprise attack. While we were all occupied outside the door, she had the bright idea to quietly crawl out of the window, jump down to the front porch, sneak back inside through the garage and get us from behind. And that's just what she proceeded to do.

Perched precariously on the toilet and then the vanity, she managed to straddle the rather high windowsill and was ready to easily lower herself onto the front porch and foil her young entourage. Just one problem. When she glanced down to gauge the distance, there was no front porch to lower herself onto. Turns out the window fell just a hair short of actually hanging above the porch. It was too far to drop all the way to the ground, and too far to reach the vanity again with her right leg. She was stuck.

Through the locked door, she told us to go outside to the front of the house. We laughed. Scott almost had the lock open -- but dang it, the knife slipped. "No, really," she said, "come outside. I'm out here." Yet she was telling us this from inside the bathroom. What did she think we were, stupid? We called her bluff and said she'd be sorry when we got that door open.

"Get on the front porch right now!" She was serious. So we mumbled and groaned and walked out the front door to find our mother hanging halfway out a tiny window that was way too high for any of us to reach. The barrage of questions began: How did she get up there? What was she doing? How was she going to get down? Was she going to stay up there until Dad got home?

The answer to that last one was a resounding NO, as young Kevin had already run next door to tell Mr. J, who was not only our neighbor but also our elementary school principal, that his Mom was stuck in the bathroom window and needed help right away.

And that's how the Caldwell Kids and their fearless Mother became forever immortalized in Mr. J's retelling of his heroic first response...at each of our high school graduations.

Tell Mom I Love Her

It was a dark and stormy night.
(Not really, but somehow that's how this story should start.)



It was actually a warm and balmy night on Oak Island, NC, home of the Caldwell Family Vacation since 1986. I'm not sure where the rest of us were, but Kevin, Craig and Kyle were on their way home from a big night of flirting with the tourist tweens down at the Oak Island Putt-Putt. All three were under age 13 at the time, so they were walking, of course.

The story goes that Craig and/or Kyle were haphazardly violating safety rules by wandering into the street instead of walking on the curb. So Kevin the future trooper, always on the lookout, wields a firm and rather loud reprimand: "Get out of the road, you idiots!"

Unfortunately, this exclamation was uttered in very close proximity to two twenty-something intoxicated rednecks, also quite near and possibly in the road, who mistook the receipt of Kevin's harsh warning as their own. Naturally they were quite offended, and took off in hot pursuit of the stupid little twerp who would dare insult them in public -- and his skiddish younger brothers.

[start Chariots of Fire music for the slow-mo chase scene]

Now in these days Craig and Kyle weren't what you'd call identical. They were in 3rd or 4th grade, and Craig was quite a bit, um, leaner than Kyle. Faster, too, and as a result quickly shot way ahead in the earliest moments of the chase. Kyle, encumbered by his non-leanness, was lagging far behind. Kevin was stuck in the middle (literally and figuratively), yelling ahead at Craig to slow down and behind at Kyle to speed up. By this time they had moved a few streets over from the main drag, but still were several blocks away from the safety of our vacation home away from home. Meanwhile their pursuers were still in tow, and gaining.

Kevin directed his charges to keep moving, but was quickly losing control. Craig was so far ahead he could barely see him in the darkening dusk, and when he turned around to look for Kyle -- he was gone! A quick scan of the horizon revealed what might have been Kyle's final resting place: a shallow roadside ditch under a lone oleander bush. Kyle had fought the good fight, but was just too worn out to finish the race.

Kevin yelled ahead at Craig to stop where he was, and quickly ran back to yank Kyle up from the depths of despair. But alas, it was too late. Kyle had all but given up the ghost. As he refused to budge from beneath the bush, he offered these famous last words:

"Go on without me. Save yourselves. Tell Mom I love her."
In a feat of adrenaline strength and sheer frustration at this dramatic turn of events, Kevin did in fact manage to pull Kyle back up, catch up with Craig, and dash up to the home of a stranger for a safe refuge. No doubt the feeble old woman who answered their frantic knocking was taken aback when two 9-year-olds tackled her to rush inside as soon the door was cracked.

And now, the rest of the story:

(although somewhere in here Kyle rolls into the back of a stranger's truck for a much-appreciated free ride -- whose driver, unbeknownst to him, was actually the one who would destroy him.)

Kevin called home from the stranger's house, Scott got riled up and sped off looking for the thugs, Mom and Dad retrieved their exhausted projeny, and all's well that ends fairly well under the circumstances.

Until bedtime.

Craig and Kyle were sharing a bed in the upstairs loft, understandably shaken and understandably talking things through and reassuring each other as only twin brothers who had shared such a harrowing experience could do.

Kevin, bunking below on the pull out sofa, hears the boys talking and sneaks up the spiral staircase for a listen. He reports that before screaming like a banshee and jumping in the middle of their bed, the last words he heard were:

"Were you scared?"
"Yeah."
"Me, too."

[start theme from Jaws for dramatic effect, followed immediately by whatever angry parent music you can find as Dad rushes upstairs to see what all the commotion's about.]

Three down, two to go (or, Craig-o Ties the Knot)

And then there were two...now only the eldest and youngest of five siblings remain unhitched (that's Allison and Kyle, in case you can't figure it out). Craig (#4 in the series) made a dashing groom to Catherine Chapman from Cheraw, SC, who graciously accepted his proposal to join the fam even though she had already met the rest of us.

C4 was created on November 3, 2007 with a beautiful ceremony at Grace Baptist Church in West Columbia, followed by a reception at City Art in the Vista. We are proud to welcome Catherine to the Caldwell Clan!

At the Movies

Growing up, every Friday night was Family Night. Dad would rent two videos AND A VCR -- encased in heavy blue plastic -- from Blockbuster, and pick up the Little Caesar's Family Special: two large pepperoni pizzas (they came side by side back then, on one long sheet of cardboard with a divider in the middle).

We did this every Friday night for years. And whether or not we liked the movies, we always enjoyed the pizza. Oh, and the time together.

All Together Now:
Brighty of the Grand Canyon – NOT!
Kid Coulter
D.A.R.Y.L.
The Three Amigos
The Princess Bride
The entire original Lonesome Dove series

Al & The Boys:
Tommy Boy
Dumb & Dumber
Major Payne
The Outlaw Josey Wales
Monty Python & The Holy Grail

Al’s Personal Favorites:
To Kill a Mockingbird
The Sound of Music
Dead Poets Society
Sense & Sensibility
Shawshank Redemption
Legends of the Fall
The American President
Saving Private Ryan - which we saw first with Caldwell in the theater at Oak Island
The Last Samurai
Alfred Hitchcock movies
Almost anything starring Jimmy Stewart or Cary Grant

Making Music

Always, there has been music. Mostly thanks to Mom, since Dad admittedly can’t carry a tune in a bucket, although he does love to sing. And whistle. And hum. And burst into very loud song for no apparent reason. But anyway – from Allison running directly from the bathtub to the piano (I was two, people!), to Scott playing drums and guitar, to Kevin singing duets with David Henry in elementary school, to Craig & Kyle singing with Mom in church – there has always been music. Here are some of our favorite musical memories.

• Houston Solution – Opera Edition

• Scott’s songs

• Mom singing Turn Around at bedtime

• Dad singing You Can’t Rollerskate in a Buffalo Herd and Hello, My Baby

• Aunt Gail singing Consider the Lilies

• David Clark singing Dixie

• Meeting Marshall Tucker and hearing him play piano

• Practicing baptism in the Cedartown pool to Alabama’s Take Me Down on the jukebox

• Caldwell singing I Was Looking Back to See if She Was Looking Back to See…

• Skin-A-Ma-Rink

• JB singing Two Sets of Joneses

• Craig & Kyle’s senior year: Echoes of Grace

• Doyle Lawson & Quicksilver concerts

• Ben Miller playing the mess out of our extremely out of tune piano

• In My Father’s Fields by John Cowan

• Randy Travis & George Strait

• Harry Connick, Jr.

• Roberts’ Thanksgivings with singalongs and Mom on pump organ

• Bill’s Music Shop & Pickin’ Parlor in West Columbia

• Kevin on trombone…oh, wait a minute. Is that really a “favorite” memory?

• Mom tripping on the huge tree roots outside the Township after a Jim Brickman concert

• Mom & Craig singing Forgiven

• Craig & Kyle singing Written in Red with Al on piano

• Scott singing and playing Dixieland Delight – or “That Groundhog Song,” as Grandma Roberts calls it

• Wyatt singing Roll On, Daddy...."til you get back home"

Chowing Down

What can I say? We certainly know how to put away some groceries.

• Sunday Dinner: Mom's Party Chicken (or Roast with Golden Mushroom Gravy, Carrots and Potatoes), Crock Pot Macaroni (or Cheese Pie), Fried Okra (or Squash), Broccoli Casserole (or Wild Rice), Green Beans with New Potatoes (or Lima Beans with Bacon and Chives), Black Eyed Peas & Pepper Salad (or Orange Congealed Salad), Bread & Butter Pickles, Homemade Cornbread (save a slice to crumble with milk later...), Banana Pudding (or Chocolate Pudding Cups with Cool Whip, or Angel Food Cake with Lemon & Blueberries or Strawberries, or Apple Pie with Ice Cream)...among many, many other delectable dining experiences. Thanks, Mom!

• Saturday Night Cookout: Chicken on the grill w/Maurice Bessinger's Piggy Park Yellow Mustard BBQ Sauce (is there any other kind?), salad with Mom’s homemade dressing and croutons, corn on the cob and Doritos

• Grandma Roberts’ biscuits (with or without sausage, eggs & cheese)

• Dad’s snacks: real popcorn (as opposed to microwaved), Rice Krispie Treats and toasted Saltine crackers with peanut butter and marshmallows

• Strawberry Shortcake (Mom)

• Blueberry Cobbler (Al)

• Zucchini Bars (Beth Miller)

• Zesto’s: White snack no slaw and a sweet tea for the back

• Homemade ice cream, virtually any flavor. Caldwell always made it best (peach, cherry, strawberry, rocky road, etc.)

• Chicken & Rice with black-eyed peas and Jiffy cornbread muffins (a BSC classic from the Chattanooga days)

• Ranch Dressing…on almost everything. While Kevin is particularly fond of the Hidden Valley brand, the rest of us are happy with either that or Kraft. But we must have it. This notorious family habit originated with Toby Kirkland, I believe.

• Shealy’s BBQ in Batesburg. Thursday is Quail & Grits, and you have to ask your waitress for pulley bones, and don’t forget your soft-serve ice cream cone to go. Oh, and Kevin knows Mrs. Shealy.

• Miller’s Bread Basket in Blackville, home of the Healing Springs

• Little Caesar's pepperoni pizza (actually, I think only Kevin and I wax nostalgic about this once-familiar comfort food. Everyone else pretty much had their fill after 10 years or so of eating it every Friday night.)

Talkin' the Talk

Some favorite family phrases de-mystified.

“Are y’all back yet?” – Grandma Roberts, after we walked into the kitchen from a trip to Dairy Queen.

“I caught a bream one time.” – Derek Masquelier, now quoted anytime someone interjects an irrelevant, random thought into an otherwise meaningful, topical conversation, which is precisely what he did the first time he said it.

“He’s been here, all right.” – another gem from young Mr. Masquelier, originally used to indicate the path of elusive prey (think deer hunting). Now used at will to overstate the obvious in virtually any situation.

“Y’all hurry back.” – Caldwell and Grandma anytime anyone left their house for any period of time.

“As far as that…” – Dad’s most frequent segue (look it up, boys).

“That’s tooky.” – What Mom calls tacky.

“And that’s how a bill becomes a law.” – used whenever someone walks into a conversation you don’t want them to hear.

“Per se…” – Kevin’s audio clue that indicates he really has no idea what he’s talking about.